Guest Post: Atheist Sects Exposed!

This is guest post by Andrew Hall of  Laughing in Purgatory. Go forth, follow and subscribe.  I had this idea for a post, but immediately thought of Andy since he brings the funny more than I can. Thanks, Andy! 

The Theological Institute of Theism (TIT) recently issued a report regarding the state of the atheist community. The report, The State of the Atheist Subculture, is the result of countless hours spent studying one of the fastest growing and vibrant social groups. Research methods included in-depth interviews, surveys, field studies – where researchers engaged in godless activities and directly observed their subjects, and a series of experiments.  The results of this cutting edge research will undoubtedly ruffle feathers and be the cause of much “harrumphing” amongst the academic community for years to come.

“The State of the Atheist Subculture will not only ruffle feathers, but cause many of our scholarly associates to clear their throats quite a few times and be the cause of many a forehead to be rubbed in dismay.” – Professor Kenneth Canard of TIT

Here are excerpts from the research paper.

Categories of Atheists

The godless community has grown exponentially over the past few years. And like any other community it has experienced a number of schisms where one group divides into two or more. Several distinct groups of the godless were discerned by the team.

Catholic Atheists

“Catholic” is meant to be understood in its common as well as not so common meaning. These Catholic Atheists are a group that has been organized into a hierarchal manner with a definite leader (i.e., Atheist Pope), a College of “Cardinals”, priests and laymen. This sect also claims itself to be “catholic” in the other sense of the word: it is the universal representative of the one true reality. All other atheist subcultures are simply irritating distractions to the teachings of the CAD (Catholic Atheist Dogma).  Researchers have found that Freethought Blogs (FtB), with its spiritual papa (Pope) PZ Meyers, encompasses the term catholic in both usages.

Orthodox Atheists

Another atheist subgroup is the Orthodox. Just as the Christian Orthodox Church split from the Catholic over the issue of the nature of the Trinity, the Great Godless Schisms occurred due to disagreements in doctrine. The First Great Godless Schism happened when John Loftus, of Debunking Christianity, left the Catholic fold because the Church (FtB) wasn’t focused on reaching out to Christians. The Second Great Godless Schism tragedy occurred when Thunderf00t, the popular video blogger, disagreed with the Catholic teachings of feminism. As was the case in the breakup of the Catholic/Orthodox Christian faiths, there is quite a bit of sniping between the godless parties post-schisms.

Pentecostal Atheists

The Amazing Atheist, a charismatic video blogger, offers his followers what Pentecostal ministers offer theirs: an entertaining show.  Much like Pentecostals, the Amazing Atheist appears to be filled with the Spirit, and at times speaking in comedic tongues that no one can understand.  His emotional messages resonate strongly with his flock.

Unitarian Atheists

These are the peace loving, “Can’t we just get along?”  godless who typically frequent Hemant  Mehta’s blog, The Friendly Atheist and vjack’s Atheist Revolution. These Unitarians are unified in fighting against faith-based inanity rather than spending time reflecting upon the Kardashian-like bad behavior of prominent atheists. However, much like the Unitarians of other faiths, they seem oblivious that their message is often times ignored by the greater community due to the popular draw of the Kardashian-like antics of other sects.

Non-Uber Politically Left Leaning Atheists

This is a rare sect that constantly hovers close to the point of extinction. They are a reclusive lot and not much is known about this group because their atheist as well as political allies are confused by and therefore want little to do with them. Penn and Teller head this subgroup, but there is talk of Crusade against the magical duo and their flock by the Catholic, Orthodox, and Pentecostal godless.

Absurdist Atheists (AA)

These atheists are only liked by their peers when satirizing the religious or other atheist sects (i.e., not their group).  When a person’s sect becomes the butt of the joke; baying, indignant cries rise up like, “I liked your hoax about Richard Dawkins getting banned in Mississippi, but your new stuff is offensive.”  It has been noted by the research team that absurdist atheists report that they are the most self-amused out of all the godless.

Absurd Atheists do get agitated when confronted with the sad fact that a particular joke or entire satirical piece is not funny. One AA responded to criticism with, “Jesus hopping Christ, just because you don’t know what the real Great Schism is doesn’t mean my joke referencing it sucks.”